Update of the kiddos

Thomas:

2 words: Terrible Twos. Yep, thats right, its started. How do I know you ask? Because I deal with things like this on a daily basis:

Its like he woke up one day and said "I' do what I want". And he does. I've always been pretty proud of him for being such a good listener and well behaved. Now I guess I'll have to be proud of him for different reasons. Like how creative he is with the designs he makes with food on the floor or something. He has started noticing Kenzie a lot more. Which has its pros and cons. Its been nice cause he plays with her sometimes when she is in her exersaucer or bouncer. But on the other hand, he is starting to notice that she takes up my time and he has been having some jealous moments. The other day he hit her for the first time. Its all perfectly normal but these days tantrums are coming more then the quiet peaceful moments once were. He finally has all of his teeth on the bottom and is currently working on the canines up top. He has mastered the names of most of the shapes so we are trying to work on colors, numbers and letters. His favorite movie is now Toy Story 2 and would watch it all day long if I let him. I've been looking into different day cares around here preparing for the inevitable and I think I've found a couple good ones. As hard as its going to be to leave them I really think it will benefit Thomas. He is not very sociable and has a hard time adjusting to new people and places. I think it will be good to be in an environment with structured learning and lots of friends. The transitions should happen in the next few weeks so wish us luck.

Finger painting

Eating a snow ball

helping me bake a cake for Aunt Kristin's birthday

Mackenzie:

Her hair is just now long enough to do pig tails! Check it out:

She has developed quite the list of nicknames. Here goes: Mack, Mack-a-doodle, Mack Truck, Mackaroon, Kenzie, Kenz, Kenzington, Kenzer, Kenzer Kenzington, Mama and Lady Bug...I think thats all. Her latest good news is that she rolled over from her back to her stomach...but I missed it. I was holding her on the couch and I put her down on the floor to play. I was watching a movie and a couple seconds went by and I heard her talking a lot. When I looked down she was on her stomach! ugh! She hasn't done it since. Trust me I would know, I've been watching her like a hawk. She really enjoys playing in her exersaucer and the door jumper. She does not like sitting in the Bumbo. She laughs when you tickle her tummy or when Thomas is acting like a goof. She loves watching Thomas and I'm sure she can't wait till they can play together. She can hold onto things pretty well now. I started putting rice cereal in her bottle a couple of weeks ago. She has slept through the night a handful of times since which is great. She will be 5 months on Friday. I have a dr. appt for her this week so I'll update you with her stats soon.

Thank you Starbucks

Its hard to believe that its already the 3rd month of the year! I find as you get older the months and then years start to fly by. It makes every opportunity that much sweeter though. Recently Leslie picked up a book at Starbucks. She said she thought of me when she saw it so she gave it to me. The book is called FIVE. On the front it says:

"The greatest day of your life

is the one on which you decide

your life is your own.

The gift of life is yours.

It is an amazing journey

and you get to determine the quality of it.

Live the next five years on purpose.

Now is the time. Imagine the possibilities.

Go places, have adventures,

make a real difference, do what you love.

Follow your dreams, they know the way."

This book asks questions you haven't asked yourself in a long time and helps prioritize your goals, beliefs and dreams. I've felt very motivated reading this book and just wanted to share a few of my favorites quotes I've found scattered in the pages.

"Live your life on purpose"

"If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?"

"If you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time."

"Most people don't aim to high and miss, they aim to low and hit"

"Forgive everyone, especially yourself"

"When was the last time you did something for the first time?"

"Don't go through life - grow through life"

"You are the hero of your own story"

"Be the answer to someones prayers"

"You will never have more time then you do right now"

"Close you eyes for a few minutes and imagine that today is you 100th birthday. Your children and grandchildren are throwing a party - and a new paper reporter has come to interview you. What do you want to tell the reporter about your life? Your accomplishments? Your regrets? Now, open your eyes. It's not too late - you have a fresh start on life!"

And this is my favorite:

"This may be the turning point your grandchildren will tell stories about years from now: the time you leap over the abyss to the other side of the Great divide and begin your life in earnest. On the other hand, this moment of truth may end up being nothing more than a brief awakening when you glimpse what's possible on the other side of the Great Divide, but then you tell yourself, "Nah, that's waayyy too far to jump." In that case, your grandchildren will have to be content talking about what delicious cookies you used to back or what your favorite sports team was. It will all depend on how brave you'll be.

My lucky break

I've been searching for some sort of career. I thought that school would be a good route. Maybe become a dental hygienist or a medical biller. Online school seemed like the best idea but everything costs thousands of dollars and takes at least a year. Nothing seemed to fit and I don't commit unless everything feels just right. So needless to say I've bee a little frustrated.

So I called the beauty school I attended 8 years ago for Esthetic's. 8 years ago I completed school but never got my license. Don't ask me why. They told me that all I need to do is complete 50 more hours of class and work on clients and that someone would help me prepare for my Boards Exam! AWESOME! The even better news...they aren't going to charge me for it. I can't believe it!

I plan of starting when I can find a decent daycare for the kiddos...

A new life has started...

Jesus take the wheel

You've heard people talk about the moment when your life flashes before your eyes. Sounds incredibly dramatic and the idea of even being in a situation to make you think of that seems so far away. I was on my way to a friends house the other night. I was driving on the highway going about 50mph. It wasn't snowing too bad but it had been cold all week so the roads were already cold and it was a pretty icy night. As I was driving I hit an icy part in the road and immediately lost control. My car started fishtailing. Not too bad at first. But as I tried to correct it, the car started heading fast to the guardrail on the left. I remember at that moment that I didn't try to control anything. Because at that point it was totally out of my control. Ideas of how bad things could end up flashed through my head. In that moment my life didn't flash before my eyes. It was the life of my daughter's in the back seat that did. I wanted so bad to protect her but knew that I couldn't do anything at this point. So I started repeating over and over, out loud "Lord please protect us!" I braced for the impact. When my car hit the guardrail it spun my car 180 degrees and stopped. I remember thinking that the impact wasn't hard at all. I could see my bumper on the other side of the guardrail so I knew the damage was worse then what it actually felt like. To my utter surprise Mackenzie didn't even make a peep. She just continued to coo. So of course immediately I said "Thank You!!" over and over again. I knew that He had protected us and a million thank you's just weren't enough. The accident could have been worse but at that moment it could have gotten worse. The way that my car spun around I was now half in the median and part way in the left lane of the highway...and facing oncoming traffic. My car wouldn't start so I couldn't move it. There were a couple a really close calls. People fishtailing themselves and almost hitting me. I don't even want to think of how bad it could have been. I learned that if you have enough faith and you ask with all your heart, He will help you. Thats some powerful stuff.

Update on the kiddos

Thomas:

He is being such a trooper for all that he is going through right now. He just got 2 teeth in this past month and I can see 4 more coming in now. Poor thing. He is also sick right now with a runny nose and nasty cough. Lucky for us he has high spirits and is a pretty happy kid for the most part. We've been Skyping with our family in California and he is getting more and more excited each time we do it. He can't communicate quite yet but he is getting more entertaining :) We haven't had an opportunity to go out and play in the snow yet cause the weather has been great! But the next time it snows hopefully he won't be sick and I can get him out there and build a snowman or something. We've really just been laying low this month. But we've met lots of people with kids so this next month should be jam packed with play dates.

Mackenzie:

She is getting SOOOOO BIG! She has rolls on her rolls. And as you can see she has some very

squeezable cheeks. Her hands are her favorite toy. She will sit there and chew on them, look at

them and she is even getting good at grabbing things with them. She is finding her voice which

means she will scream and talk very loudly. She usually does it when she wants attention or

when she wants me to wake up around 5am. I put her in the door jumper and her exersaucer for

the first time. She is still a little small for them but the way shes growing she'll be ready for them

next week!

Romp 'n Roll

So I took Thomas to a kids gym. We had a play date with my friend's daughter, Ashlynn. They have open gym on Thursdays from 9am to 7pm. You can stay all day and its only $7. He loved it! We will definetely be back!!! I can't tell you how nice it is to find something else to do!

Getting adjusted

Well we made the move to Denver in one piece. The airport was of course eventful. I would not have been able to do it without Denise's help! The first week was hard not only emotionally but we only had what we could carry on the plane. Our moving truck didn't come for 10 days! I forgot how dry it is here. We constantly have humidifiers going and poor Kenzie has had horribly dry skin. We managed to find some great lotion for her that seems to have helped. When our truck finally arrived we got everything moved into the garage and dedicated all last weekend to moving things in and unpacking each box one by one. I still have a few more to go but we've really made some progress. We were able to get the kids room set up and it looks great. Thomas is sleeping in a new crib that can transform into a toddler bed when he (or I) am ready for it. He seems to like the new set up. I had to take a picture of Kenzie's new bed spread cause I LOVE IT!

We went for a walk the other day because it got to be 60 degrees!!! I love Colorado! Thomas is starting to really like the snow. He didn't like it at first but its starting to grow on him :) We dressed Kenzie up in a cute little outfit to keep her warm in and I couldn't resist taking a picture. I have 2 if the cutest kids.

Thomas is becoming more helpful as he is demonstrating in the picture below. What a helper! Maybe if he keeps this up my parents will keep us around. Despite the fact that we caught him dragging the cat across the floor by its tail! Yep it happened. Boys will be boys I guess!

Almost gone

Well, the time has come for me to say goodbye to California. My plane leaves at 1:35 tomorrow to Denver where cold weather awaits. While everyone in Colorado can't wait for us to be there I can't help but feel a huge hole in my heart. The ones I'm leaving have loved me and done so much for me they don't even know. I am so lucky to be loved by them. I don't want to leave but I have too. I hope they understand. These last 3 months have been extremely life changing and I'm not sure what 2010 has in store. I keep hoping that if I visualize health, happiness and security that we will have those things. I hope its right. In this I've learned that attitude is everything, its ok to be vulnerable, grief comes before forgiveness and its ok to be selfish sometimes.

Leaving Jeff is the hardest. I still care for him. I know seeing his kids leave is going to be very hard for him. I wish I could take care of him and make him happy. Even if I could he wouldn't let me. My hands are tied.

Have you ever felt lost? Like no one really understands you and you can't figure out where it went wrong. Did you change? Did they? I thought I'd have things figured out by this time. I guess not. Lost is a scary thing for me to feel. Especially since I have 2 kids to guide. I know that prayer has something to do with it. I also know if I didn't have the church in my life I would be a lot worse off. I am so grateful for the church and the fact that I can go to Colorado and know that I will have an instant ward family.

Sorry! This blog turned out to be a little random. Just a few thoughts going on in my scattered brain right now. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to need it.

Update on the kiddos/Christmas

Mackenzie:

She just keeps getting cuter and cuter. She is smiling all the time now! Its a great way to brighten my day. She is cooing and starting to interact a lot more. She is only waking up one time during the night to eat. The longest shes gone is 7 hours. If I didn't get the sleep that I do, I wouldn't be able to function. Luckily I was blessed with a great baby. She still loves attention and hates being left in a room alone. She is very interested in Thomas and the crazy things hes up to an she loves when he interacts with her. I took her to the doctor yesterday and she got her shotss (and took it like a champ!) She weighs 11lbs 9oz (56th percentile) and she is 22" long (33rd percentile).

As you can see, she has kept all of that beautiful hair (AND ITS CURLY!!!)

Thomas:

He has hit the 18 month mark! And by my experience means he is going through another clingy phase and he developed and attitude almost overnight. I of course love my child but this phase could not go too quickly if you know what I'm saying. He is figuring out that he can choose to listen to me or not. It makes for some very frustrating days and nights. Lately hes been going to bed early because by 7pm I'm ready for a stiff drink! He won't play in his room alone and our days are usually spent by him following me around whining. I've asked him what he wants. He doesn't know. We went through this phase when he was about a year and we survived it. I've bee told its completely normal and it will pass. I think he is also aware of all the changes happening around here and hes just looking for some comfort. *God please grant me 5 more hands* He also had his Dr.appt last week. He weighs 24lbs 11oz (36th percentile) and is 31" tall (28th percentile) and he is fit as a fiddle. That's really all I want anyways. Healthy kids. We'll work on the happy part later :)

Christmas:

I know its not Christmas yet but I don't know when I will get a chance to blog about it. So here is what I have so far. We are spending Christmas with the Collins family this year and we decorated the tree last week. We didn't get a tree for our apartment (only lights) so I think this was fun for Thomas. Julie bought little ornaments for all the grand kids and they all put them on the tree.

Here is Thomas

We got pictures take of the kids in hopes of getting a good one for Christmas cards. Here is the best one :) He is giving her a kiss.

Recent favorites

1. Songs (the lyrics say it all)

*I told you so - Carrie Underwood

*Songs like this - Carrie Underwood

*Sounds like life to me - Darryl Worley

*Irreplaceble - Beyonce

*If I were a boy - Beyonce

*Need you now - Lady Antebellum

2. Skinny jeans (I always said I would never own a pair of these. Recently, I broke down and tried on a pair. Turns out they aren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. In fact they are now a part of my "sexy/going out" outfit. Just goes to show you should never say never.)

3. Fondue (I was surprised last night by a couple of sly girls with a night at La Fondue. I always knew I liked fondue but last night the food was exceptionally good. Must of had something to do with the company as well)

4. Good Advice (I have had a lot of it lately but I have to give the credit to Kristin for always giving my the profound words of wisdom)

5. Sex and the City reruns (I can always relate to something that Carrie says. Shes so smart)

6. A good work out (Between Stephen and Jillian Michael's I'm going to be ripped. And hopefully have a stomach like the girl wearing the skinny jeans (see above))

7. A little creativity (I've really been into crocheting more scarves. I've just sold 7 last month!! I just tried knitting as well. Don't ask. haha)

8. Online shopping (I avoid the malls as much as possible this time of year. I like to keep the Christmas spirit, and a mall parking lot and my patience are not a way to do that SO this is a great alternative.)

9. Wrapping presents (I could do this all day)

Gaining control

I just purchased my one way ticket to Colorado today. This officially kicks off the countdown to a new life in a new place with new possibilities. I've been feeling like this drastic change in my life had been decided for me and I've been feeling so out of control of my life. There are days that I wake up and just go through the motions of what I'm suppose to do for fear of feeling any sort of emotion. The thought of leaving my husband, my wonderful Collins family, the ward family, my friends, my job and my life for the last 4 years is gut wrenching. I try not to think about what that last day is going to be like or how bad all those goodbyes are going to hurt.

The good news: Whats waiting for me in good 'ole Colorado. My amazingly supportive family who have proved countless time, that they will do anything to see me and the kids happy. I can't wait for them to be a part of the kids lives. Its been hard not having them around so I know we will enjoy each other. My old friends and the new friends that I plan on making. Endless career possibilities. I'm looking into becoming a personal trainer. The thought of that is scary and exciting and I know will be very rewarding.

You are never in control of what people decide and how their actions and the outcomes of the world effect you, but you are in control of how you deal with them. The moment Jeff told me his decision to leave I made the decision to be a survivor. My kids will not be victims of a broken home, but rather stronger and better people for it. I will not dwell on what was lost or taken away. I will look at what can be gained and what adjustments need to be made to be happier. I choose to be this way and in turn I hope I can teach my children to have these same mind sets.

So in reality this situation is quite liberating. Yes, I'm going to have hard days and so will the kids but that's when we rely on the wonderful people we have surrounded ourselves with. Thanks to ALL of you for being so supportive.

Update on the kiddos

Mackenzie:

She will be a month old in just a few short days! I can't believe it. She is really doing well. Especially compared to how Thomas was geesh! She slept constantly until she was 2 weeks old. Then she started getting a bit fussy. I started supplementing her with formula and that seemed to do the trick. Unfortunately my milk supply is dwindling fast. I was really looking forward to breast feeding her but at least she is happy on the formula. She is more awake and aware which is great because you can see her huge eyes. I mean huge! I've started doing tummy time with her and she doesn't seem to mind it too much. We want those neck muscles to be as strong as possible. When she knows what she wants she wants it now! She can go from one to ten very quickly. Kinda reminds me of myself :) And she seems to be aware of people when they are around. She doesn't like when you sit her down and walk away. She wants you to at least sit next to her. She is so precious and I'm so proud to say I have a daughter.

Thomas:

I've said it before and I'll say it again. He is the coolest boy in the world. He is looking older and getting bigger by the day. He just hit the 17 month mark and has learned that he can protest when he doesn't want to do something :) He is a pretty good listener when it comes to the important stuff like not running off when we're on a walk and holding my hand while we cross the street. But when I ask him to not stand on the furniture or to clean up his toys I find myself repeating my request four or five times. We're trying to work on that. I know hes at that age but I have a really low tolerance for selective hearing. Some of my favorite things he just started doing: he makes the "roar" sound like a lion and he will throw his balloon behind him and then look at me with his hands out and say "go?" (as in "where did it go") UH! SO CUTE! His favorite movie right now is Finding Nemo. He has a stuffed fish that he always gets when we watch the movie. We made a fort the other day and watched the movie. He really enjoyed that so we will have to start doing that more.

What I'm greatful for

Family willing enough to drop everything on a dime and make a trip to California

Beautiful new addition to my life. Mackenzie Ann

A wonderful toddler who gives the best hugs.

A best friend willing to Skype daily to keep my spirits high

Endless amounts of charity coming my way

Constant check ups via text messages from even the unlikely ones

People remembering how much I like Cold Stone

People knowing how much a cookie can make your day a little brighter

People who let me cry, swear, yell and feel sorry for myself without a moments notice

Kleenex

Willing babysitters

Sleepovers

The family I married into and am sealed to

Making new memories

How easy he's making it to dislike him

Its depressing...

I must apologize in advance for this post. I have just experienced something gut wrenching that no one should ever have to go through. I just watched my husband move his things out of our apartment. For the past week he has been sleeping on an air mattress in the living room so he can help at night with Thomas and the baby. This week has been pretty quiet. We didn't do a lot of talking. What was there to say to each other? It was hard in times that I got angry not to lash out at him or start sobbing at his feet for some sort of explanation as to why he didn't want this life anymore. I still don't understand it. I still love him. I can't stop. Don't ask me why. The man that I married and had children with is not the man I know today. I can't exactly tell you when it changed.

I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I have every emotion running through my veins right now. And to top it all off I have the hormones from just having a baby. Talk about bad timing. Not that there is a good time for this to happen.

How can someone raise 2 kids, work full time, provide everything and still stay above water? I thought that when we brought kids into this world we would be team. A family. I never would have had children if I thought our family would be incomplete. Kids need both parents. UGH! Its not fair!!!!!!

I have such a long road ahead of me it makes me nauseous to think about all the things I have to do. Where do I work? How do I work and be with the kids? Who will watch the kids when I'm at work? Can I stay here in California? Should I go back to my family in Colorado? How do I stay strong for my kids when I feel so weak? Why doesn't he love me?

It hurts...

She's here!!!!!!!

So here's the story: (Anyone who doesn't want to hear, skip to the bottom for the pictures)

I had gone to my dr. appt on Friday the 16th. She told me that I was 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I was very excited. I asked her to strip my membranes but she said she didn't want to do that till my due date. So I dedicated that weekend to walking and lifting so I could have this baby. Finally Sunday morning the 18th, in attempt to go to church I woke up with cramps around 7:30 am and they continued to get worse and by 9:30 were about 7 minutes apart. Jeff and I left for the hospital and arrived there around 11:00. They admitted me into observation and said I needed to be 5 cm to be admitted into delivery, and that I had 2 hours to get there or they were going to send me home. The next hour was hell. My contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart and were lasting about 45 seconds. I have never been in that much pain. I thought for sure I had to be a least a 5. I asked a nurse to come check me. When she did she said "no, you're still a 4. You're not in labor yet." If I would have been able to stand up I would have killed her!! They gave me one more hour and finally by then I was a 5. They couldn't get the epidural in fast enough but once that was in I apologized to everyone I came in contact with for bring so horrible. I apparently am very ugly when I'm in pain :)

By the time I was happily drugged and in the labor room it was 2:00pm. I tried to sleep and for the next 4 hours I was able to get some sort of rest. At 6:00pm the doctor came to check on me and told me that I was at 7cm. I asked her to break my water so they did. At 6:30 I was now able to feel the contractions through the epidural so I know they were big ones and I started to feel A LOT of pressure. I asked the nurse to check me. She asked me to give her a little push and when I did the head crowned. From there everything went really fast. She called the doctors immediately to the room. I started pushing at 6:45pm and she was born at 6:50pm.

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am so happy to have a little girl. She has made my life have so much more purpose and I'm so blessed to have her.

Mackenzie Ann Collins
7 lbs 9oz, 20in

The waiting game

I had my doctor appointment yesterday. I am 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I also lost my mucus plug last Sunday. I'm not sure how this baby has not just fallen out of me?? The last 2 days I've been on a mission to have this baby with no such success. I've been walking every chance I get. Even doing walk in place videos at home. Which leaves me with little energy by the end of the day. I was feeling a lot of contractions yesterday and only few today. This is when my frustration kicks in. And for all of you who say "the baby will come when its ready", STOP! I don't want to hear that. I obviously know that. Just tell me to keep walking. At least then I feel a little in control of the situation :)

It looks like her name is going to be Mackenzie. For those of you who voted online, thank you. Jeff was really stuck on "K" names. But due to recent events I vetoed that and have gone with one of my favorites. I'm still waiting to see her to make sure that she looks like a Mackenzie but I'm pretty sure that's what it will be.

Pray that she come healthy and quickly :)

Adopted motto

Thank you AA for your words of wisdom :)

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Tragedy has struck

I have too many emotions to even begin to tell you what is happening. So I am going to copy and paste an email that my dad's wife sent out to our family.


Dear Family and Friends

I am sending this out to update you all on Trinity and the baby. The baby is due on October 23rd and is doing well. We are looking forward to her arrival! Trinity has not yet decided on her name, but we will keep you all posted…

The disappointing news that we need to share is that after months of struggling, Jeff has decided to end the marriage. Of course, there is never a good time for something like this, but given the closeness of her due date his decision has been very troubling and stressful.

Trinity is in their apartment and Jeff is staying with friends that live in the same complex so that he is close by. We are not sure what their living arrangements will be once the baby is born.

Trinity is staying strong and is actually doing better that anyone could imagine. Kristin is in California with her for a few days. Tom and I plan to go once the baby is here to help out. Jeff’s family has been extremely helpful and supportive. I do not know what she would do without them. They will all pitch in to help with Thomas and I know they will watch out for her and the baby.

She will have some major decisions to make, but is trying to focus on the baby and staying healthy for now. She saw her doctor this week and everything looks good.

We are heartbroken that they are not able to make it work, but we know that God has a plan for all of us and we are faithful that Trin will be able to find the strength to make it through this difficult time.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Leslie & Tom