Almost gone

Well, the time has come for me to say goodbye to California. My plane leaves at 1:35 tomorrow to Denver where cold weather awaits. While everyone in Colorado can't wait for us to be there I can't help but feel a huge hole in my heart. The ones I'm leaving have loved me and done so much for me they don't even know. I am so lucky to be loved by them. I don't want to leave but I have too. I hope they understand. These last 3 months have been extremely life changing and I'm not sure what 2010 has in store. I keep hoping that if I visualize health, happiness and security that we will have those things. I hope its right. In this I've learned that attitude is everything, its ok to be vulnerable, grief comes before forgiveness and its ok to be selfish sometimes.

Leaving Jeff is the hardest. I still care for him. I know seeing his kids leave is going to be very hard for him. I wish I could take care of him and make him happy. Even if I could he wouldn't let me. My hands are tied.

Have you ever felt lost? Like no one really understands you and you can't figure out where it went wrong. Did you change? Did they? I thought I'd have things figured out by this time. I guess not. Lost is a scary thing for me to feel. Especially since I have 2 kids to guide. I know that prayer has something to do with it. I also know if I didn't have the church in my life I would be a lot worse off. I am so grateful for the church and the fact that I can go to Colorado and know that I will have an instant ward family.

Sorry! This blog turned out to be a little random. Just a few thoughts going on in my scattered brain right now. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to need it.

Update on the kiddos/Christmas

Mackenzie:

She just keeps getting cuter and cuter. She is smiling all the time now! Its a great way to brighten my day. She is cooing and starting to interact a lot more. She is only waking up one time during the night to eat. The longest shes gone is 7 hours. If I didn't get the sleep that I do, I wouldn't be able to function. Luckily I was blessed with a great baby. She still loves attention and hates being left in a room alone. She is very interested in Thomas and the crazy things hes up to an she loves when he interacts with her. I took her to the doctor yesterday and she got her shotss (and took it like a champ!) She weighs 11lbs 9oz (56th percentile) and she is 22" long (33rd percentile).

As you can see, she has kept all of that beautiful hair (AND ITS CURLY!!!)

Thomas:

He has hit the 18 month mark! And by my experience means he is going through another clingy phase and he developed and attitude almost overnight. I of course love my child but this phase could not go too quickly if you know what I'm saying. He is figuring out that he can choose to listen to me or not. It makes for some very frustrating days and nights. Lately hes been going to bed early because by 7pm I'm ready for a stiff drink! He won't play in his room alone and our days are usually spent by him following me around whining. I've asked him what he wants. He doesn't know. We went through this phase when he was about a year and we survived it. I've bee told its completely normal and it will pass. I think he is also aware of all the changes happening around here and hes just looking for some comfort. *God please grant me 5 more hands* He also had his Dr.appt last week. He weighs 24lbs 11oz (36th percentile) and is 31" tall (28th percentile) and he is fit as a fiddle. That's really all I want anyways. Healthy kids. We'll work on the happy part later :)

Christmas:

I know its not Christmas yet but I don't know when I will get a chance to blog about it. So here is what I have so far. We are spending Christmas with the Collins family this year and we decorated the tree last week. We didn't get a tree for our apartment (only lights) so I think this was fun for Thomas. Julie bought little ornaments for all the grand kids and they all put them on the tree.

Here is Thomas

We got pictures take of the kids in hopes of getting a good one for Christmas cards. Here is the best one :) He is giving her a kiss.

Recent favorites

1. Songs (the lyrics say it all)

*I told you so - Carrie Underwood

*Songs like this - Carrie Underwood

*Sounds like life to me - Darryl Worley

*Irreplaceble - Beyonce

*If I were a boy - Beyonce

*Need you now - Lady Antebellum

2. Skinny jeans (I always said I would never own a pair of these. Recently, I broke down and tried on a pair. Turns out they aren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. In fact they are now a part of my "sexy/going out" outfit. Just goes to show you should never say never.)

3. Fondue (I was surprised last night by a couple of sly girls with a night at La Fondue. I always knew I liked fondue but last night the food was exceptionally good. Must of had something to do with the company as well)

4. Good Advice (I have had a lot of it lately but I have to give the credit to Kristin for always giving my the profound words of wisdom)

5. Sex and the City reruns (I can always relate to something that Carrie says. Shes so smart)

6. A good work out (Between Stephen and Jillian Michael's I'm going to be ripped. And hopefully have a stomach like the girl wearing the skinny jeans (see above))

7. A little creativity (I've really been into crocheting more scarves. I've just sold 7 last month!! I just tried knitting as well. Don't ask. haha)

8. Online shopping (I avoid the malls as much as possible this time of year. I like to keep the Christmas spirit, and a mall parking lot and my patience are not a way to do that SO this is a great alternative.)

9. Wrapping presents (I could do this all day)

Gaining control

I just purchased my one way ticket to Colorado today. This officially kicks off the countdown to a new life in a new place with new possibilities. I've been feeling like this drastic change in my life had been decided for me and I've been feeling so out of control of my life. There are days that I wake up and just go through the motions of what I'm suppose to do for fear of feeling any sort of emotion. The thought of leaving my husband, my wonderful Collins family, the ward family, my friends, my job and my life for the last 4 years is gut wrenching. I try not to think about what that last day is going to be like or how bad all those goodbyes are going to hurt.

The good news: Whats waiting for me in good 'ole Colorado. My amazingly supportive family who have proved countless time, that they will do anything to see me and the kids happy. I can't wait for them to be a part of the kids lives. Its been hard not having them around so I know we will enjoy each other. My old friends and the new friends that I plan on making. Endless career possibilities. I'm looking into becoming a personal trainer. The thought of that is scary and exciting and I know will be very rewarding.

You are never in control of what people decide and how their actions and the outcomes of the world effect you, but you are in control of how you deal with them. The moment Jeff told me his decision to leave I made the decision to be a survivor. My kids will not be victims of a broken home, but rather stronger and better people for it. I will not dwell on what was lost or taken away. I will look at what can be gained and what adjustments need to be made to be happier. I choose to be this way and in turn I hope I can teach my children to have these same mind sets.

So in reality this situation is quite liberating. Yes, I'm going to have hard days and so will the kids but that's when we rely on the wonderful people we have surrounded ourselves with. Thanks to ALL of you for being so supportive.