What I'm greatful for

Family willing enough to drop everything on a dime and make a trip to California

Beautiful new addition to my life. Mackenzie Ann

A wonderful toddler who gives the best hugs.

A best friend willing to Skype daily to keep my spirits high

Endless amounts of charity coming my way

Constant check ups via text messages from even the unlikely ones

People remembering how much I like Cold Stone

People knowing how much a cookie can make your day a little brighter

People who let me cry, swear, yell and feel sorry for myself without a moments notice

Kleenex

Willing babysitters

Sleepovers

The family I married into and am sealed to

Making new memories

How easy he's making it to dislike him

Its depressing...

I must apologize in advance for this post. I have just experienced something gut wrenching that no one should ever have to go through. I just watched my husband move his things out of our apartment. For the past week he has been sleeping on an air mattress in the living room so he can help at night with Thomas and the baby. This week has been pretty quiet. We didn't do a lot of talking. What was there to say to each other? It was hard in times that I got angry not to lash out at him or start sobbing at his feet for some sort of explanation as to why he didn't want this life anymore. I still don't understand it. I still love him. I can't stop. Don't ask me why. The man that I married and had children with is not the man I know today. I can't exactly tell you when it changed.

I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I have every emotion running through my veins right now. And to top it all off I have the hormones from just having a baby. Talk about bad timing. Not that there is a good time for this to happen.

How can someone raise 2 kids, work full time, provide everything and still stay above water? I thought that when we brought kids into this world we would be team. A family. I never would have had children if I thought our family would be incomplete. Kids need both parents. UGH! Its not fair!!!!!!

I have such a long road ahead of me it makes me nauseous to think about all the things I have to do. Where do I work? How do I work and be with the kids? Who will watch the kids when I'm at work? Can I stay here in California? Should I go back to my family in Colorado? How do I stay strong for my kids when I feel so weak? Why doesn't he love me?

It hurts...

She's here!!!!!!!

So here's the story: (Anyone who doesn't want to hear, skip to the bottom for the pictures)

I had gone to my dr. appt on Friday the 16th. She told me that I was 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I was very excited. I asked her to strip my membranes but she said she didn't want to do that till my due date. So I dedicated that weekend to walking and lifting so I could have this baby. Finally Sunday morning the 18th, in attempt to go to church I woke up with cramps around 7:30 am and they continued to get worse and by 9:30 were about 7 minutes apart. Jeff and I left for the hospital and arrived there around 11:00. They admitted me into observation and said I needed to be 5 cm to be admitted into delivery, and that I had 2 hours to get there or they were going to send me home. The next hour was hell. My contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart and were lasting about 45 seconds. I have never been in that much pain. I thought for sure I had to be a least a 5. I asked a nurse to come check me. When she did she said "no, you're still a 4. You're not in labor yet." If I would have been able to stand up I would have killed her!! They gave me one more hour and finally by then I was a 5. They couldn't get the epidural in fast enough but once that was in I apologized to everyone I came in contact with for bring so horrible. I apparently am very ugly when I'm in pain :)

By the time I was happily drugged and in the labor room it was 2:00pm. I tried to sleep and for the next 4 hours I was able to get some sort of rest. At 6:00pm the doctor came to check on me and told me that I was at 7cm. I asked her to break my water so they did. At 6:30 I was now able to feel the contractions through the epidural so I know they were big ones and I started to feel A LOT of pressure. I asked the nurse to check me. She asked me to give her a little push and when I did the head crowned. From there everything went really fast. She called the doctors immediately to the room. I started pushing at 6:45pm and she was born at 6:50pm.

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am so happy to have a little girl. She has made my life have so much more purpose and I'm so blessed to have her.

Mackenzie Ann Collins
7 lbs 9oz, 20in

The waiting game

I had my doctor appointment yesterday. I am 4 cm dilated and 60% effaced. I also lost my mucus plug last Sunday. I'm not sure how this baby has not just fallen out of me?? The last 2 days I've been on a mission to have this baby with no such success. I've been walking every chance I get. Even doing walk in place videos at home. Which leaves me with little energy by the end of the day. I was feeling a lot of contractions yesterday and only few today. This is when my frustration kicks in. And for all of you who say "the baby will come when its ready", STOP! I don't want to hear that. I obviously know that. Just tell me to keep walking. At least then I feel a little in control of the situation :)

It looks like her name is going to be Mackenzie. For those of you who voted online, thank you. Jeff was really stuck on "K" names. But due to recent events I vetoed that and have gone with one of my favorites. I'm still waiting to see her to make sure that she looks like a Mackenzie but I'm pretty sure that's what it will be.

Pray that she come healthy and quickly :)

Adopted motto

Thank you AA for your words of wisdom :)

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Tragedy has struck

I have too many emotions to even begin to tell you what is happening. So I am going to copy and paste an email that my dad's wife sent out to our family.


Dear Family and Friends

I am sending this out to update you all on Trinity and the baby. The baby is due on October 23rd and is doing well. We are looking forward to her arrival! Trinity has not yet decided on her name, but we will keep you all posted…

The disappointing news that we need to share is that after months of struggling, Jeff has decided to end the marriage. Of course, there is never a good time for something like this, but given the closeness of her due date his decision has been very troubling and stressful.

Trinity is in their apartment and Jeff is staying with friends that live in the same complex so that he is close by. We are not sure what their living arrangements will be once the baby is born.

Trinity is staying strong and is actually doing better that anyone could imagine. Kristin is in California with her for a few days. Tom and I plan to go once the baby is here to help out. Jeff’s family has been extremely helpful and supportive. I do not know what she would do without them. They will all pitch in to help with Thomas and I know they will watch out for her and the baby.

She will have some major decisions to make, but is trying to focus on the baby and staying healthy for now. She saw her doctor this week and everything looks good.

We are heartbroken that they are not able to make it work, but we know that God has a plan for all of us and we are faithful that Trin will be able to find the strength to make it through this difficult time.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Leslie & Tom