Well, the time has come for me to say goodbye to California. My plane leaves at 1:35 tomorrow to Denver where cold weather awaits. While everyone in Colorado can't wait for us to be there I can't help but feel a huge hole in my heart. The ones I'm leaving have loved me and done so much for me they don't even know. I am so lucky to be loved by them. I don't want to leave but I have too. I hope they understand. These last 3 months have been extremely life changing and I'm not sure what 2010 has in store. I keep hoping that if I visualize health, happiness and security that we will have those things. I hope its right. In this I've learned that attitude is everything, its ok to be vulnerable, grief comes before forgiveness and its ok to be selfish sometimes.
Leaving Jeff is the hardest. I still care for him. I know seeing his kids leave is going to be very hard for him. I wish I could take care of him and make him happy. Even if I could he wouldn't let me. My hands are tied.
Have you ever felt lost? Like no one really understands you and you can't figure out where it went wrong. Did you change? Did they? I thought I'd have things figured out by this time. I guess not. Lost is a scary thing for me to feel. Especially since I have 2 kids to guide. I know that prayer has something to do with it. I also know if I didn't have the church in my life I would be a lot worse off. I am so grateful for the church and the fact that I can go to Colorado and know that I will have an instant ward family.
Sorry! This blog turned out to be a little random. Just a few thoughts going on in my scattered brain right now. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to need it.
4 comments:
We'll certainly miss you here, but you need to start over. You and your kids will thrive. I'm sure of it. Thanks for sharing your feelings on here. I know you're having a hard time, but you're inspiring the rest of us with your strength and honesty.
i wish you the best with your fresh start, and just remember that you're an awesome mother. those kids are oh so lucky to have you!
Thinking of you tonight and sending my love! You are missed, but I hope Co and 2010 hold all kinds of good things for you. Keep us posted!
We are missing you guys! I can't believe you have already left. I hope all is going well for you in Colorado. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are amazing and so strong! Your children are blessed to have you in their lives! Keep me posted with everything that's happening. Blogs are so great! I really need to update mine! Hopefully that will happen soon! Love ya!
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